we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
