Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
