I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
