I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
