Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
