Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
