It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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