It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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