If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
