Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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