There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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