apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
