Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
