i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
