I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
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Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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