between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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