i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
