Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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