Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
