I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
