worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
