Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
