Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
