she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
