I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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