My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
