Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
