Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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