The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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