She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
