Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
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