I didn't shave. On purpose
She announced her abortion via fbk
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
