as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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