genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
