but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
