You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
