i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My pussy is not your playground.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
