put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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