You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
