I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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