Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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