Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
