You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
