If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
