You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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