I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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