I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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