You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
