I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
