ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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