It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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