Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Don't tell me you're on acid again
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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