I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Im part way to drunk.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
