I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
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I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
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I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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