Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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