i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
